old gm building
Bartleby the Scrivener vegan27
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quicken loans
It turns out that the appraisal cost not $300, but $400 effin dollars. The credit report cost $11.14. That was all deducted from my earnest money deposit and they refunded the meager difference. I just sent the following email to my contact at Quicken Loans, in which I once again steal Joe Krause's "paper bag" figure of speech:

Matt,

Well, that was $411.14 well spent. It's too bad we couldn't work something out. You said the house "wasn't even close" to appraising for the amount we needed. There is a good reason for that: The appraisal is worthless. The appraiser may as well have handed you a paper bag that he farted into. Since when are foreclosures used as "comparable" sales? I remember now--since just after subprime lenders like Quicken Loans helped disembowel this nation's economy. Your loss on foreclosures is supposed to be the price you pay for lending tens of thousands of dollars to people who were obviously unable to repay you. Instead you're passing what should rightfully be your punishment onto creditworthy borrowers. (Not you personally, Matt--"you" here only means Quicken Loans.)

Your disingenuousness might be funny if you weren't ruining people's lives. When you banks could buy credit default swaps for next to nothing and you benefited from inflated appraisals, the appraisers delivered artificially high results. But now that you want to curb lending and you benefit by under-valuing homes, our "impartial" appraisers happen to give you exactly what you want. It's tempting to conclude that you are rewarding the appraisers who oblige you, but it's probably all just a huge coincidence.

What else is funny is how Quicken Loans chairman and founder Dan Gilbert apparently found it perfectly reasonable to "lend" $60,000 of his own money to convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick out of view of the courts and without any signed agreement--at least not until after the public discovered the so-called "loan". And yet you undervalue homes--by including in appraisals the very foreclosures that you yourself caused!--in order to deny loans to creditworthy borrowers working to improve their neighborhoods.

I can try to take some comfort in knowing how history will judge banks like Quicken Loans, and that their actions now merely undermine their own survival. What ever happened to the plans for building a grandiose headquarters in downtown Detroit? The subprime lenders got greedy, but the secret of their success also turned out to be the cause of their own demise. And I'll be right here watching--from a front row seat in my $15,000 home--when the "invisible hand" of capitalism comes along and crushes what is left of your company like an insignificant insect.

-Paul Sewick


(Was the Adam Smith reference too much?)

I'm very glad this line is in there - (Not you personally, Matt--"you" here only means Quicken Loans.) It's not Matt's fault, he's just doing his job as a piece of the fucked up mess...The letter needed to be written even if the appropriate audience wasn't quite reached...

Also, don't tell Anny but I think I have an english language crush on you. Love the use of the dashes! Well punctuated my friend! *grin*

I really, really, really love dashes. Sometimes I'm worried that I will be accused of overusing them, but here the first time they're pointed out it's in a positive way. Thank you. :) I think it has to do with my reading Moby-Dick several times as an angsty teenager despite not being a "literary" person. It's *loaded* with dashes (or semicolons, depending on the edition).

I tried finding a general customer service email address to send the letter to and just CC Matt, but I couldn't find any. That and I also remember perceiving a condescending attitude about Detroit during my humiliating attempt to beg for a loan. I hope he knows this house is only a 15 minute walk from the building his company is going to be moving into in a few months.

Your hate male is always so eloquint and witty. You should hire yourself out as "witty retort man". I know it's not the same as historical research but I'm willing to bet you draw upon similar resources.

When I get a better job and quit CrappleBee's I'm hiring you to write my parting speach, to be delivered to a full restaurant during the dinner rush in the middle of the bar...

Nah, I'll probably just shit in a bag and deliver it to the district manager, but if I were going to hire someone it would be you.

I'd bet people would pay for that.

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