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Bartleby the Scrivener vegan27
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Every year my work has an employee review that is the epitome of bureaucratic baloney. I imagine they only do it to comply with industry standards. Normally it involves things like reviewing your "accomplishments" and progress on achieving your "professional goals". I think we're supposed to write vacuous nonsense peppered with words like "proactive", "paradigm," and "teamwork". Last year this review was somehow not implemented, so all we were asked to do was write about our "accomplishments" and "performance results". This is what I submitted.

* * * * *

I respectfully submit the following as my Self-Appraisal for the period January 1, 2012 through June 30, 2013.

Performance Review guidelines instruct employees to highlight "performance results and accomplishments" of the review period. However, the position of Bookkeeper II-Cash Receipts by its nature does not entail these concepts. Recording data into spreadsheets is the focus of my daily activities. There are no "projects" which, upon completion, yield a sense of gratifying achievement. There are no milestones to look back upon with satisfaction, or engaging challenges that call upon one's talents and creativity. There is only the mechanical recording of information. One month is balanced in preparation of the next, and the year is closed in anticipation of the one following. The days are only distinguished by whether we are preparing for, enduring, or recovering from the annual audit. It is an unfortunate fact that not all jobs required by civilization endow those who hold them with a sense of purpose.

Although my performance cannot be measured in terms of "accomplishments", it is fair to judge it by its quality. The daily cash sheets regularly contain typographical errors. My files are disorganized. The Metropolitan Museum of Art has owed us over $7,000 since September 2012, which I have failed to collect. After six years at the DIA, I have not memorized more than a few account numbers. I believe that my work is adequate at best, or rather that I have even failed to meet others' expectations.

Respectfully and Sincerely,

Paul Sewick

* * * * *

I hope my supervisor respects my honesty. I'm genuinely not trying to be cynical. It's not an accomplishment-based job, and I'm not particularly good at it. While I'm being honest, I also kind of suck at driving and I never remember to clean the wax out of my ears.

Let me put it this way--there are two kinds of employment: jobs and careers. What I have is a "job". I do it because I get paid to, not because I find it rewarding in any other way. Only a very tiny sliver of humanity has the luxury of being engaged in enjoyable, challenging careers. And aren't they always just a tiny bit smug about it? (Just kidding guys.)

Anyway, it could have gone a lot worse: